It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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