i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
