A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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