Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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