and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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