My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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