your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
