do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
