He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
