I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
