put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
