Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
