Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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