I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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