So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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