On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
