apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
