i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
