I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
