So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
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LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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