he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
