awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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