I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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