Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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