I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
