apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
