Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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