I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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