Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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