I am puke
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I have peed in a lot of sinks
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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