i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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