You're a womanizer and a bitch.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
