My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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