apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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