my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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