and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
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i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
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Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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