Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
