got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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