I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
