My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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