Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
