There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i love accidental penises.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
