I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
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Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
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Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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