So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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