New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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