I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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