oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
