I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
