My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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