Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
