I cannot find my penis.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
