Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
