I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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