Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
