my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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