I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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