She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
