where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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