Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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