if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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