Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
