I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
