We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
